secrets of daybreak

My Prose Page

here are a few of the experimental proses i wrote.

I Want You For Myself

i don't think you realize how much it pains me that you've had sex before you met me. to be quite blunt, i was the one who gave you her virginity, and yet you can't say the same to me. i was the one who trusted you with everything, who gave you everything, and yet you can't give me the same in return. you give yourself to me, you tell me I'm all you need. you tell me that all of those other girls don't matter, but i wonder if they still do.
you whispered sweet words in their ears, just like you whisper in mine. you touched them in intimate places, made them scream with exstacy, and you do the same to me.
but am i different?
am i really?
is it really that easy to switch from one loyalty to another in a matter of weeks? you said your first love was your first time, and that you only left her because you moved away.
do you still love her? do you look at me, smile and think "she's so much like her"? or am i really all you need. am i really all that's left for you. am i everything to you, like you are to me?
and then there was that one night stand (well, more like a 3 day stand).
the one during the ice storm.
you slept with that girl and we were just starting to become friends.
you were having sex while we got to know each other, and somehow i gave you sex as well.
but, i guess it doesn't matter.
no matter how much it hurts to know you were my first but i wasn't yours doesn't change the fact that i love you. and i don't mean i love you until you screw up.
i mean i love you Akio, and i will always love you.
no mater what you do, no matter where you go,
i will alwasy and forever love you and only you...

The Mirror's Touch

sometimes in life, we look at our selves and hate what we see. sometimes we wish we could be different, but really, do we want to be? we look at people in our class, at our work, in our home, and wonder... what would it be like to be them? we all want to be a "them". anything's better then just being ourselves. we get tired off the same struggles, the same mistakes, the same people... we just want something different. we want to feel special, all of us. we want to be at the top, to be the leader, to be recognized as something great, or even as something at all. i wonder though, and i think you do to, are their lives as good as i think? even the people i know so well, are they as happy as they let on? as hyped as they seem? or, like me, do they fake it, smile, laugh, but never feel that true warmth of happiness... you have to wonder, you have to realize, we are all so very different, and all the very same. no matter where you are, no matter where you go... someone, somewhere, understands, and wishes, like you, that they had the life you lead.

I'm Done

I hate you. i want you to know that. i absolutely hate you right now. no matter how much i say i love you, right now i can't say it and be convincing. everyone agrees. they all tell me to leave you. my doctor agrees. my own doctor Mikel! that's how bad your treating me. you had no damn right to call me and yell at me like i was some insensitive jerk. your being the jerk Mikel. the asshole, the spoiled brat. i gave everything i am to you! everything! i gave you my body, let you see me in an intimate way. i may still be a virgin, but just barely. i gave you my mind, my heart my own damned soul! you've pissed me off for the last time. i don't care how much it hurts you. you don't deserve me. you don't deserve me at all! I'm so mad right now. i can't explain my feelings. what the hell happened to that guy i met in September?!?!? what the hell happened to him!!! what happened to "i love you, but i have a life"? what happened to "I'm sorry, are you OK"? what happened to "thank you babe" or "i won't push you sexually anymore"? what the hell happened to that guy?!?!? he's gone! he's been replaced by some insensitive asshole bastard who could care only for themselves and no one else!
well guess what Mikel?
I'm going to take my ques from you.
I'm leaving you.
I'm done with you.
you've pushed me over the edge, and you've killed what little of my self worth i had left.
I'm done
I'm through
and if you don't like it
you can kiss my lilly white ass as it swings out your door

I Know Now Why Love Hurts So Much

I know what that feels like. You’re so vulnerable, and they don't get it. They don’t get how much you depend on them even when you deny it. They do something to you, something so small and all of the sudden your walls aren’t there anymore. You built up your life on those walls, and when they disappear, you change...
You change and everyone can see it. It’s not something you can hide, even if you try. Suddenly everyone knows there’s something different. It’s like nothing is yours anymore. Not your thoughts, not your dreams, not even the emotions you don't want anyone to see. They’re out on display and suddenly you can't live without that person by your side every damn day. You don't want to need them, you refuse to say it. And no matter how hard you try, you can't help but pick up the phone, dial their number again, and tell them that you just wanted to hear their voice. But really it's not their voice you want, it's the promise. The promise that their real, that they will say "I love you" and mean it, even in the slightest.
We would do anything to be told we were worth something, and suddenly that's all that matters. Not friends, not family, not even god himself. It’s just them. You don't even care how far they push you; you don't care if it hurts a little. Because some how we've got it into our heads that if their happy, were happy. For some reason, we aren’t independent anymore. We can't survive without them, and it's slowly killing us. It’s killing who we use to be. Who we were before we got with them. Before we learned their name. Before the kiss that lasted forever, before the first 'I love you' came into the picture, before the first time you laid in bed with them, before your heart wasn't yours anymore, before your life was about getting yourself your dreams and not having to worry about anyone else.
Before them there was 'you', and now… now it's 'us'. Before them, it was girl’s night out, and flirting for flirtation's sake. Before them it was friends and sleep-overs and family dinners. And now, now it's ‘them’ and 'us'. It’s ‘meet the parents’ and play nice. Its kiss me please or I might die. It's I don't want to, but I’ll do it for you. It’s ‘I love him and I’ll find any excuse I can to stay with him because I’m afraid’. Its fear, pain, love, loss, screaming, crying, laughing, kick-me-when-I'm-down, pain-in-the-ass life.
      It’s life.
      It’s repetitive.
      It’s something you can't control anymore because your dependant and you can't stand it.
      It’s love.
      It’s love dammit
      and to some it's worth it.
      To some it means everything just to love and be loved in return.
      To some it’s all they live for.
      It’s all they want.
      But… is it for you?

I Wonder

I wonder,

when you look into my eyes

and watch my heart shatter,

does it break your heart to?

Even crack it  bit?

Or do you watch in sick satisfaction?

Knowing that you did the undoable.

You broke me.

I let you into my life,

My heart,

My soul,

And you stole a piece of me.

You did what no other guy could do to me

You took down my walls

And you made me hurt

So deep

So much

That I couldn’t stop the unwanted thoughts of you

You won.

You conquered.

You did the impossible.

You made me give up my most precious gift.

And then threw it in my face.

It was an assault

It was an ambush

You broke me of my will.

 

My will to keep my guard

My will to stand my ground

My will to keep on living

And the saddest part is

You don’t even care what it’s like

To have to see you every day

To have to look into your eyes as we pass in the hall.

To hear your voice when you talk to my friends

You don’t even care

You act like nothing’s wrong

Like you didn’t break me down

Like it doesn’t matter

But it does

It does and it always will

You gave me a new fear to live with

An obsession to die for

And a way to die slowly alone

You see me, and smile

Fine

You talk to me as if nothing happened

Fine

You act as if you don’t know

Fine

But never

Ever

Forget you did this to me

That you took my heart

So fragile in your hands

So ready to be loved

And crushed it under your foot

Watching me wither and choke

Kicked me when I was down

Making me seep my blood out

By my own hand

Yes, you did this

And I’ll never be the same

I’ll never be like I was

Forever changed by just you

One person

But over the pain and anger I feel…

I feel sorry.

I feel sorry for the next girl you meet

She’ll never know what you did

What you’ll do to her

Never know how dangerous you are

What your capable of

She’ll never know fear, never know true pain

Until your done with her

But what’s worst is, you won’t care

Not even a little bit

Because to you

It’s a game

And you like to win

And all I can do now

All I will ever be able to do

Is watch and cry

Sobbing like a child in the night

Hiding behind my well placed facade

Like some scared little girl

That’s how you make me feel

Alone

Scared

Vulnerable

Worthless

Angry

Tainted

That’s what I am

That’s what you made me

That’s what I’ll always be to you

The scars on my wrist will never fade

And the blood will forever plague my mind

Seeing it spill as I relentlessly

Restlessly

Cut, sliced, and cried

Trying not to be numb

Trying to feel something other than fear

But what’s worst

Worst than those scars

Worst than the nightmares

Is that I have to see you

Miss you

Long for you

Cry for you

Because if I had never met you

I wouldn’t have liked you

And if I hadn’t liked you

I wouldn’t have fallen for you

And if I hadn’t fallen for you

You wouldn’t have hurt me

I wouldn’t have longed for you

I wouldn’t have missed you

I wouldn’t be so hurt

I wouldn’t be so angry

I wouldn’t miss you now

I need you to say it

Please say it

Just once

Just say those two words

to show at one time you cared

Just a little

Just once

Not ever again

Just a mumble

Even under your breath

Just a thought

Just  two words

“I’m sorry”